Metamorphosis

I few years ago I had a break down. A self destructive bout that left me grasping for any form of mercy and hoping that those I loved weren’t giving up on me just yet. I needed help. I couldn’t pretend any longer. I had therapy/counseling in years past but I was walking the same dark path and taking those I love with me. 

Step 1 Recognizing I needed help.

Step 2 Asking for help.

Step 3 Following through with that help. 

Sounds simple enough right? Wrong! It took me 3 months to see my MD and get help with prescriptions. 

It took another 3 months to find a therapist that had an opening, seemed like a good fit, and then of course the courage to make the appointment and GO. 

That first appointment I was so sick to my stomach that I walked in to the doors of the building, only to find myself still in the car. I took a deep breath and forced myself to walk in. paranoid that people would know why I was there I rushed through the lobby, glanced at the suite numbers and hurriedly climbed the stairs to the office. Upon entering I took a deep breath and relaxed only to see a familiar face behind the desk. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? This is supposed to be anonymous. I shouldn’t have to admit to an acquaintance that I needed help.  Then all the paperwork, followed by payments, signatures and more paperwork. 

No my insurance would not be covering it. 

Yes I know I need to pay up front. 

Yes I am who you think I am. 

Yes I am the one that did the embroidery work for you this summer. Yep. We DO go to the same church. 

Yep this is awkward. (Side note-She was an absolute charm and was only ever kind and compassionate -also discrete). 

At the beginning of my session, Dr. Reynolds asked me why I was there. Uh…I don’t know. Could we maybe talk about fun socks instead? Or why baby elephants are so adorable? We don’t really need to talk about how horrible of a person I am. That I can’t control my anxiety, PTSD, depression, panic attacks, nightmares, numbness. I would much rather talk about pandas. 

So naturally I opened my mouth and started crying. I don’t know what Dr. Reynolds heard through those tears but I know he heard me. I could see it in his eyes. I didn’t want to share with him the horrors that I have lived through. I didn’t want someone else to feel that pain, to carry that burden. It was okay because I was broken. I didn’t need to break him too with my past. With my inability to be strong enough. 

Foot note here-In years past I would do all the recommended sessions with my previous therapists and “graduate” with tools and a positive outlook on my future. Those tools have definitely helped me along the way but when life changes so do our needs. Dr. Reynolds wasn’t letting me off the hook. I would leave those sessions emotionally drained. I would process with my husband what I needed to and gradually week by week I allowed myself to change.

After 15 months of counseling with Dr. Reynolds I wanted to do something for him and his family that would help them understand and feel the gratitude that I have for the change that happened during that time. Because I truly was changed for the better. Yep-still have a ways to go-but I am more me than I have ever allowed myself to be. I finally understood why people love butterflies. I’ve always thought they were beautiful in flight. As a child I thought they were magical but when I found out that touching their wings can make it impossible for them to take flight again I only saw that weakness. For the first time I understood the metaphor of a butterfly. 

It requires work, self-care, more work and strength to become a butterfly. Not everyone will understand its beauty, its flight pattern or its life cycle but it is none the less a beautiful creature created by a loving Father in Heaven. 

So I made a quilt, intent on giving it to Dr. Reynolds and his family. As I was finishing the final embroidery square I accidently cut-quite deeply I might add-into the quilt. I still have that quilt top. Not quite finished. Could this be a metaphor of my therapy sessions? Possibly! But maybe it’s an opportunity to learn how to fix what I can and let go of the rest. I DO know how to fix that hole in my quilt. And in the coming months, I’ll teach you too. 

Dr. Reynolds taught that it’s okay to put myself out there. To be me and fight for what matters most. So I put this post out there because I am who I am. I’m not going to be perfect and that’s okay. Hopefully I have a few more decades to work on my metamorphosis.

Much Love,

Amy Lou